In My Own Shadow

Posted by Ed on October 20, 2026

I am writing this just under six weeks since I set a new FKT on the London Loop, a 150-mile walking trail that circumnavigates Greater London.

To say I am feeling tip-top would be a lie.

The initial exhaustion I anticipated. I’ve run 100-milers before. I know what it feels like to be sofa-bound. This being 50 miles longer, the fatigue was quite a bit worse. I couldn’t really walk for two days, and it was probably a full week before I felt like I could get up and down the stairs without any issue.

After ten days, I felt okay going for a run again. A three kilometre jog around the park, 1.25% the distance of the Loop and that was enough.

Since then I have run maybe four or five more times, never longer than an hour. Mostly I’ve cycled and gone to the gym. Physically, I feel okay, but there’s a deep fatigue that I am struggling to shake off. Most days I’m ready to clock off at 4pm and I’m ready for bed at 9. I’ll easily get nine or ten hours of sleep and still wake up feeling like I could have more.

Psychologically it’s hard to say how I’m doing. It’s like the guy who who did that really impressive thing, is not me. I am in his shadow.

I know this will lift. And I’m not even depressed. I’m just really tired. It’s like the colour has been sapped out of things and yet, just below the surface, I’m mildly euphoric at the same time.

There’s a quote I’ve repeated all my life without actually knowing where it comes from. “Set your sights high enough and even your failures will have in them an echo of glory.” I didn’t fail at the Loop, but I could easily reword it to: “Set your sights high enough and even when it’s over your misery will have in it an echo of glory.”

Maybe that’s why I do these things. To be able to tolerate myself the rest of the time.

The initial peacefulness lasted maybe four days. Then whatever it is that drives me to want to do these things got restless again. The Jungian shadow’s awakening coinciding with the metaphorical shadow’s darkening.

Another quote, this one from Catch-22.

‘Well, maybe it is true,’ Clevinger conceded unwillingly in a subdued tone. ‘Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it’s to seem long. But in that event, who wants one?’
‘I do,’ Dunbar told him.
‘Why?’ Clevinger asked.
‘What else is there?’